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Deviant Definitions
Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Account: A countess' husband.

Accrue: The people who run a ship.

Acoustic: A stick used to play pool.

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

Antique: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Asset: A little donkey.

Atheism: A non-prophet organization.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney: Where some skirt hemlines fall.

Barium: What we do to most people when they die.

Beauty parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.

Benign: What you be after you be eight.

Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.

Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Classic: A book that people praise, but do not read.

Clothes dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.

Coffee: A person who is coughed upon.

College: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Courtesy: The art of yawning with your mouth closed.

Derange: Where dee buffalo roam.

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Divorce: The future tense of marriage.

Eclipse: What an Italian barber does for a living.

Egotist: Someone me-deep in conversation.

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Experience: The name people give to their mistakes.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Fancy restaurant: One that serves cold soup on purpose.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Feedback: The inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Flabbergasted: Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Grocery list: What you spend half-an-hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Handkerchief: Cold storage.

Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.

Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.

Hors d'oeuvres: A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be, as long as they do everything we say.

Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

Kissing: A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.

Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Misty: How some golfers create divots.

Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies more.

Myth: A female moth.

Negligent: Describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Normalize: 20-20 vision.

Oily: The opposite of late.

Opportunist: A person who, when they fall into a river, starts taking a bath.

Paradox: Two physicians.

Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections, and your confidence after.

Polygon: A dead parrot.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Professor: Someone who talks in someone else's sleep.

Psychologist: A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

Recliner: Mom's nickname for Dad.

Relief: What trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size six.

Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Shortening: One of the important ingredients in a good sermon.

Show-off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

Stock: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

Subdued: Like, a guy, who like, works on one of those, like, submarines.

Sudafed: Bringing litigation against a government.

Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.

Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.

Vegetarian: Old Indian word for bad hunter.

Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Yawn: An honest opinion, openly expressed

The web helps you collect that which has already been collected.

Someday man should learn how to enjoy liberty without license, nourishment without gluttony, and pleasure without debauchery. Self-control is a better human policy of behavior regulation than is extreme self-denial.

My jokes are so lame I shot my horse.